


Hold on

by fanficfanxx



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Break Up, Drama, F/F, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Illnesses, Romance, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-14 11:12:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11206911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanficfanxx/pseuds/fanficfanxx
Summary: ‘’I think we should stop seeing each other’’ are the first words I hear from Clarke. She is sitting across from me, staring into my eyes. But something has changed in the way she looks at me. She used to look at me like I was her whole world, now it’s just an empty, ice cold look.I don't understand what happened between me and Clarke until I get a phone call from Raven explaining everything.(or, Clarke's sick and breaks up with Lexa because of this. She doesn't want Lexa to lose someone else. Lexa finds out and doesn't agree with Clarke).





	1. What now

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope you like this first chapter from my new fanfiction. It's the first time I'm writing from one persons point of view. So sorry if it's bad. Typos will be fixed later :).  
> Cheers :)

Lexas point of view.

‘’I think we should stop seeing each other’’ are the first words I hear from Clarke. She is sitting across from me, staring into my eyes. But something has changed in the way she looks at me. She used to look at me like I was her whole world, now it’s just an empty, ice cold look. 

I try to mask away the pain by looking down at the ground ‘’Why?’’ I ask her. I was taken by surprise by her. I knew she had been struggling with things. But I never knew she wanted to break up.

Clarke doesn’t answer me. She just stares blankly around the room. Maybe she isn’t even sure why. But I can see that she is hiding something from me. ‘’Do I even wanna know? I ask her a bit angry. I try to mask away my anger but it’s no use. I’m pissed off.  
‘’I don’t know’’ she answers. 

I look up, meeting her eyes halfway. ‘’So I’m not even worth an explanation?’’ I spat out in anger. I can’t believe Clarke’s acting like this. I dated her for over two years. Everything was fine until know, or at least I thought everything was.  
‘’Get out’’ I say in anger. ‘’Get out’’ I repeat one more time.  
Clarke stands up from her place and is heading towards the door when she faces me one more time ‘’I’m sorry’’ she says before turning around.

‘’Maybe you didn’t love me after all!’’ I scream at her. I can feel my heartbeat racing, my head is pounding, my body feels heavy. I want to stop her, to convince her to stay with me, that we can figure something out. That we will be okay, but I realize that it’s no use. Clarke just left me, without even giving me a reason. 

My thoughts are interrupted by Clarke, who’s standing silently in front of the door. It’s like she is hesitating about what to do next. I see her body shivering, her hands are shaking. She is about to turn around, when I see her stopping halfway. ‘’Don’t say that’’ she says to me before walking out of the room.

I’m just standing here. Feeling numb, not knowing what to do. I don’t know if I should go after her. I’m so confused. I am sure of my love for Clarke. I’ve loved her for a long time. But she didn’t love me I guess. 

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone that’s ringing. I ran towards my cellphone, to see Raven calling me. Raven never calls me so it must be important.  
I answer the phone reluctantly ‘’Hello, this is Lexa’’ I answer.  
‘’Lexa, we need to talk’’ I hear Raven saying through the phone.  
‘’Sure, what’s up?’’ I answer, a bit annoyed because I don’t know what she wants from me.  
‘’It’s about Clarke. I heard she broke up with you?’’ Raven asks me.  
‘’Yes. What about her?’’ I ask.  
‘’Do you know the reason why she did that?’’ Raven asks.  
‘’I don’t know. I guess she didn’t love me after all’’ I answer, still not knowing where this conversation is going.  
‘’Didn’t she tell you why?’’ Raven asks me confused.  
‘’No she didn’t’’ I said.  
‘’Lexa..’’ Raven says to me before taking a brief pause to finish her sentence. I could tell from Raven that there was something going on.  
‘’Clarke has been diagnosed with leukemia..’’ Raven says to me.  
I try to take in the words. They don’t make any sense to me. ‘’Clarke sick? Why didn’t she tell me’’ I think to myself. I don’t understand why she would keep this from me.  
My thoughts are interrupted by Raven ‘’She needs you’’ Raven says to me. I hear the worry in Raven her voice. I can tell this is serious but I don’t know how to react to this. It’s too much for me at this moment. So I press the red button on my phone and end the phone call.

I look around my room. Staring endlessly at the photo frame on my wall, with a photo of Clarke and me in it. It was the day we went to the beach together, our official first date. This is when I realize that I need to go talk to Clarke. I need to be there for her. 

I grab my jacket and make my way out of the apartment towards my car. I open the lock, sit down in the driver’s seat and drive away as fast as I can. It’s about 15 minutes later when I arrive at Clarkes house. The lights are on so I get out of my car and walk towards the door. I knock on the door. 

It seems like forever before I hear footsteps coming closer. I hear them stop in front of the door ‘’Who’s there?’’ Clarke asks me through the door.  
I don’t know if she was expecting me to come see her. ‘’It’s me’’ I whisper.  
It’s silent for a second before I hear a deep sigh through the door ‘’I don’t want to see you anymore, Lexa’’ Clarke tells me.  
This hurts me more than I realize but I’m trying to keep myself together. ‘’Clarke..’’ I say. ‘’Please open the door, I need to talk to you for a minute’’ I practically beg her.

Clarke doesn’t answer me. I stare at the door until I see Clarke standing in front of me.  
‘’What do you want?’’ she asks me. Her voice seems ice cold, like she’s trying to distance herself from me.  
‘’I needed to see you’’ I say admit to her. That much was true.  
‘’Well you’ve seen me, so you can leave now’’ Clarke blurs out. I look confused at the blonde standing in front of me. I know she’s trying to push me away.  
‘’I know you’re sick’’ I admit. I see the exact moment that Clarke breaks. The ice cold look in her eyes disappears, it’s replaced by hurt, sadness but most of all fear. I see her taking a step back from me. She breaks down in front of me, tears flooding from her eyes. I don’t know what to say to her, no words can make any of this right. I walk towards her and pull her in for a hug. Clarke rests her head on my shoulder and I can feel her body shaking while she’s sobbing.  
‘’I’m so sorry’’ she says to me between tears. ‘’I’m so sorry’’ she repeats.  
I pull away from the hug for a second to look at her ‘’You don’t have to apologize for anything’’ I say to her, reassuring that her that it’s okay.  
She looks at me with her bright blue eyes ‘’I didn’t want to hurt you. I just thought it would be better if you didn’t know. I knew how Costia her death broke you so I didn’t want you to go through this again’’ Clarke admits to me.  
Clarke words make me shiver. I take in her words carefully before answering ‘’You’re not dying’’ I say to her.


	2. I'm here

**Clarkes point of view.**

**_A few months ago._ **

**_I catch myself staring at the desk until the doctor arrives with the final test results. Everything around me seems blurry. My thoughts are interrupted by doctor Jaha who walks into the room._ **   
**_‘’Sorry for the holdup’’ he says to me before sitting down behind his desk across me._ **   
**_‘’Not a problem’’ I mumble before staring at the ground. I know he’s about to tell me that something’s wrong. I know this because I haven’t felt alright in a long time. I thought I was pregnant at first but that wasn’t the case because that test came back negative._ **

**_‘’Miss. Griffin’’ Jaha says to me._ **   
**_‘’Yes, sir?’’ I ask him with a worried look on my face. I know my whole world is about to be turned upside down._ **   
**_‘’I’m afraid I have some bad news..’’ he mumbles to me._ **   
**_‘’The blood test..’’ he mumbles, not even finishing his sentences._ **   
**_‘’Yea what about that?’’ I ask him, already knowing the answer._ **   
**_‘’We’ve found a lot of immature white blood cells in your blood and not enough red blood cells. We’re afraid you have leukemia’’ he tells me._ **   
**_I stare at doctor Jaha in front of me, trying to understand his words. I look confused at him before saying something ‘’Leukemia? Is this some sick joke?!’’ I yell out at him._ **

**_Jaha shakes his head at me and looks worried ‘’I wish this was some sort of sick joke, miss. Griffin but I’m afraid I’m telling the truth.’’_ **   
**_I nod at him, not knowing what to say. It’s too much to take in right now. I stand up from my chair ‘’I’m sorry but I have to go’’ I say to Jaha before leaving the room._ **

**_I leave the hospital as fast as I can. My car is nearby, so I go to it as fast as I can. I just want to get away from this place. I need to go home, to see Lexa, who has no clue about what’s going on._ **   
**_I start my car, get in and drive away from the hospital. My thoughts have been about my diagnoses the whole way until I arrive home about 30 minutes later._ **

**_I park my car in front of the house and stop the engine. I look at the kitchen window where I can see Lexa cooking diner. Lexa sees me and stares confused at me while I’m still sitting in the car._ **

**_It’s about one minute later when Lexa is standing next to my car. She looks at me with a worried look. Lexa knocks on my window so I lower it._ **   
**_‘’Clarke? Are you okay?’’ she asks me worried._ **   
**_I nod at Lexa before I give her a small hint of a smile ‘’Don’t worry’’ I tell her. I can see her studying my face. I notice her suspicious look but she masks it away as fast as she can._ **   
**_‘’Alright’’ she says to me with a smile. ‘’Are you coming in? I’ve made diner’’ she says to me._ **   
**_I nod and get out my car, closing it behind me, before following Lexa into the house._ **

**_I take of my jacket and put it down on the couch before heading over to Lexa ‘’Hey you’’ I tell her before leaning in for a quick kiss._ **   
**_Lexa smiles at me before kissing me back. I feel her lips crashing into mine. We get lost in the kiss even if it’s just for a second before she pulls away._ **   
**_‘’Hey beautiful’’ she whispers softly before turning around to concentrate on the food she was making._ **   
**_I smile at her before I sit down at the table. ‘’How was your day?’’ I ask her, trying to keep things casual._ **   
**_Lexa let’s out a small laugh ‘’It was fine. My boss was a pain in the ass as always but well, it’s worth it’’ she says to me. ‘’How was your meeting with the new board?’’ she asks me._ **   
**_I look a bit uncomfortable because of that question. Luckily Lexa couldn’t see me. I hated lying to her but it was better than letting her worry for nothing ‘’It was okay. The new people are nice..’’ I tell Lexa._ **   
**_‘’That’s great for you’’ she says while turning around. She places diner on the table before sitting down across from me._ **   
**_‘’I hope you’ll like it.’’_ **   
**_‘’I’m sure I will’’ I tell her before filling my plate with diner._ **

 

**Present.**

 

‘’Clarke?’’ Lexa asks me. She notices that I’m deep in my thoughts. I get sucked back to reality when I realize that Lexa is still standing across from me.

‘’Yes?’’ I ask her.  
‘’Why didn’t you tell me?’’ Lexa asks me. I notice the hurt in her eyes. It kills me to see her like this. This was the main reason why I didn’t want her to know. To spare her even if it wasn’t fair to her.  
I don’t know how to answer her question so I remain silent. I’m staring at the ground when I feel Lexa getting closer to me. I know she’s trying to break down my wall that I built up to spare everyone around me. I know how lost she was when Costia died, so I didn’t want her to go through that again.

‘’Clarke, please talk to me’’ Lexa begs me. She places her hand on my cheek and lifts up my face until our eyes meet. I see the desperate look in her eyes.  
‘’I was trying to protect you..’’ I tell her, feeling embarrassed because no reason could ever be good enough to get her forgiveness, which I understand. What I did was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do or how to deal with all of this.  
Lexa shakes her head for a second before answering me ‘’You could’ve told me.’’  
I look at Lexa again just for a second. I see the sadness in her eyes, tearing her up. This makes me break down in tears. ‘’I didn’t want you to lose someone again’’ I say between my tears. I take a few steps back from her, trying to distance myself from her. Lexa notices this and she puts her arms around me.  
‘’I got you. It’s okay. It’s okay’’ she whispers in my ear. ‘’I’m right here.’’  
I take in the warmth of her embrace, opening myself up to her for the first time in forever. The hugs feels like safe. Lexa keeps holding me until I was calmer.

I pull away from the hug before looking at the brunette standing in front of me. ‘’I’m so sorry’’ I tell her.  
She shakes her head ‘’You have nothing to apologize for, Clarke’’ she tells me. I look relieved when she tells me this. I was so afraid that she would leave me that I pushed her away and lost her in the process. Yet here she is, standing in front of me.  
‘’Do you want a drink?’’ I ask her.  
Lexa nods at me before walking to the living room. I follow her to the couch.  
‘’I’ll get us something to drink’’ she tells me. I nod at her before I sit down on the couch. Lexa returns a few minutes later with two hot chocolate.  
She puts them down on the coffee table before sitting down next to me.  
‘’Clarke..’’ she mumbles, sounding kind off desperate.  
‘’Yes?’’ I ask.  
‘’I want to be here for you. I want to help you get through this. I’ll be here if you need me, doesn’t matter when. Even if it’s in the middle of the night. I’m here okay’’ she tells me.  
‘’I can’t ask you to that’’ I tell her. I feel like I’m asking too much of her. I don’t want to bother her with my problems.  
‘’Clarke, you’re not asking’’ she says teasingly. ‘’I’ll be here okay’’ she says with a smile.  
I nod at her ‘’Alright.’’  
‘’About this morning…’’ she says a bit distracted. I can hear the pain on the edge of her voice. Like always Lexa is trying to mask it.  
‘’What about it?’’ I ask her.  
‘’I don’t want us to be broken up’’ she admits to me. ‘’I want you to be my girlfriend again.’’  
I look away for a second before staring at the coffee table. I feel Lexa staring at me, awaiting my response.  
‘’We can’t..’’ I tell her, still looking away. I don’t want her to notice my tears. ‘’I can’t think about dating you when I don’t even know if I’ll survive’’ I blur out.  
‘’I understand’’ Lexa tells me.  
‘’So…friends?’’ she asks me awkwardly. I look at her for a second and nod at her ‘’Friends.’’  
‘’I have to go now. I’ll call you tomorrow’’ Lexa tells me.  
‘’Sure’’ I answer her.  
Lexa nods at me before pulling me in for hug. ‘’We’ll get through this’’ she tells me before standing up. I feel her pulling away from me. I feel awful but I know it’s for the best for both us. I don’t want her to go through this on her own. I want her to be with someone, who can give her the best. I look after her until she disappears into the night. I take a deep breath before closing the door behind me.

 

**Lexas point of view.**

 

I’m lying in my bed when my alarm clock goes off. I turn around to turn it off when I notice the time ‘’6.00 AM’’. I turn around to get a few more minutes of sleep. I’m about to fall asleep when my phone rings. ‘’What the heck?’’ I think to myself before turning around to answer the phone. I look at the caller-id and see that it’s Raven again so I answer it.  
‘’Hello..?’’ I say with my sleepy voice.  
‘’LEXA!’’ I hear Raven through the phone. She speaks very loudly and I can hear the worry in her voice.  
‘’Yea?’’ I ask her.  
‘’You have to come over right now!’’ She tells me in a hurry.  
I realize something is wrong so I wake up and sit up in bed ‘’Raven, what’s wrong?’’ I ask her.  
‘’It’s Clarke. She’s in the hospital..’’ Raven says to me.  
‘’What? When? How? What happened?’’ I ask confused.  
‘’I went to her place to check on her. She didn’t open the door so I knew something must be wrong. I had her key with me so I went inside. She didn’t answer me so I checked all around the house. I found her in the bathroom, unconscious. So I called 911’’ Raven tells me in a hurry.  
‘’What now?’’ I ask her.  
‘’I don’t know, Lexa’’ she admits.  
‘’Which hospital?’’ I ask her.  
‘’Polis memorial hospital’’ Raven tells me.  
‘’Alright, I’m on my way. I’ll see you in a bit. Hang in there’’ I tell her before hanging up the phone. I get out of bed. Walk towards my closet, grab the first clothes that are in my hands reach before getting dressed. I grab my car keys, get in the car and drive away as fast as I can.


	3. Hold on

**Lexas point of view.**

I look around the room until I notice Raven sitting in the corner. I walk towards Raven and greet her ‘’Hi, Raven. I came as soon as possible’’ I tell her.

She nods at me before gesturing me to sit down next to her. I see the worried look on her face. I just hope that Clarkes okay.

‘’How is she doing?’’ I ask Raven.

Raven turns around to face me. ‘’I don’t know, they won’t tell me anything because I’m not her family..’’ Raven mumbles.

‘’Are you serious?!’’ I say way to loud, with a slightly agitation. All the people in the waiting room are staring at us, but I don’t care.

Raven nods ‘’Yea. So I had no choice but to call her mother..’’ Raven says.

‘’But you know how she feels about..’’ I was about to finish my sentence when I was interrupted by someone who was scraping their throat.

‘’About, Lexa?’’ Abby asks me. I notice the anger in her face.

‘’Nothing’’ I say.

‘’Right’’ Abby scoffs before walking to the visitor reception.

 

I turn my attention to Raven who’s still sitting next to me. ‘’She doesn’t like me’’ I admit to Raven.

‘’Yes you can notice that from a distance. What happened between you anyway?’’ Raven asks me curiously.

‘’Do you really want to know?’’ I ask Raven.

Raven nods ‘’Yes. Please do tell’’ she says with a smile. I give her a hint of a smile.

‘’Alright’’ I tell her.

 

**_Lexas point of view._ **

**** **_About one year ago._ **

**_I’m walking next to Clarke when I notice the big smile on her face. We are on our way to the restaurant to meet with her mother. Clarkes notices that I am nervous before I can even admit that to myself. I know Clarkes mother never like me. She thinks I turned her daughter into something that she ‘’wasn’t’’. Like I tried to change Clarke, which isn’t true._ **

**_‘’Are you okay?’’ Clarke asks me a bit worried._ **

**_I nod at Clarke ‘’Yes. Just nervous I guess’’ I tell her._ **

**_Clarke studies my face before stopping me in my tracks. ‘’Hold on’’ she tells me._ **

**_‘’What is it?’’ I ask her._ **

**_Clarke chuckles ‘’Come on, Lexa don’t play dumb with me. I always know when something’s up. So spit it out.’’_ **

**_I roll my eyes before answering Clarke ‘’I’m fine.’’_ **

**_Clarkes chuckles even louder this time ‘’You really are a pain in the ass Woods’’ she says teasingly._ **

**_‘’Alright’’ I say. ‘’I’m just worried about what your mothers has to tell us’’ I admit._ **

**_‘’The great Lexa Woods is afraid of my mother?’’ Clarkes asks me with a grin on her face._ **

**_I nod embarrassed at Clarke ‘’Yes.’’_ **

**_‘’You’re such a cutie’’ Clarke says while winking at me. ‘’Don’t worry about my mother okay? I know she can be a lot to handle, but we’ll leave if it gets out of hand alright?’’ Clarkes says to me before leaning in for a quick kiss._ **

**_I nod at her before kissing her back._ **

****

**_We arrive at the restaurant about 15 minutes later. Abby was already at the dinner table. Clarkes walks ahead of me and greets her mother. I wait from a distance trying to see how Abby reacts to my presence. I see her looking after she hugs Clarke so I walk towards her ‘’Hello’’ I say._ **

**_‘’Lexa’’ Abby says._ **

**_I don’t know what to say so I don’t answer her. I sit down across from Abby. Clarkes sitting next to her mother at my right._ **

****

**_I see the waiter passing by so I stop him in his tracks ‘’Hello, can you bring me a scotch need?’’ I ask him with a smile._ **

**_He nods before paying her attention to Clarke and Abby ‘’Do you two want anything to drink?’’ he asks._ **

**_‘’I’d like a water please’’ Clarke says. ‘’Same for me’’ Abby adds. The waiter nods before leaving us behind at the table._ **

****

**_‘’So how are things with the two of you?’’ Abby asks. I’m surprised by this question because she never asked something like this before. I feel a bit uncomfortable but I manage to keep that inside._ **

**_‘’You tell her’’ I say with a smile to Clarke._ **

**_Clarke nods ‘’We’ve been great, mother. Lexa’s amazing’’ Clarke says proudly._ **

**_I smile at Clarke. It’s nice to hear her speak positively about our relationship._ **

**_‘’Good for you honey’’ Abby says with a fake smile._ **

****

**_The time goes slow and it isn’t until an hour later when Abby finally admits what she wants._ **

**_‘’Clarke, I want you to stop this nonsense! This isn’t who you are!’’ Abby says angry at her._ **

**_I look up at Abby, trying to hide my anger. I want to walk away from this. After Costia I haven’t been able to deal with parents who weren’t going to accept the sexuality of their own daughter. Costia had been hiding it from her parents for a long time before she finally admitted that she was gay. The same happened with Clarke. Clarke tried to hide it from Abby as long as possible._ **

**_My thoughts were interrupted by Abby who turned her full attention on me ‘’You’re not a good match for my daughter’’ Abby snaps at me._ **

**_I look up facing Abby, while my anger is rising inside of me ‘’Shut up. You don’t know me!’’ I growl at Abby before leaving her and Clarke behind in the restaurant._ **

****

**_I walk out of the door, never looking back. I hoped that Clarke would follow me but that isn’t the case so I decide to take a cab back home. Hoping that Clarke will come as well._ **

****

‘’So that’s what happened between Abby and me’’ I tell Raven.

Raven looks surprised at me ‘’That’s just mean. She didn’t even know you. How can she even judge you?’’

‘’I don’t know. But she did. That was the last time I ever spoke to her. Clarke came home that night telling me that she couldn’t deal with me and her mom fighting all the time so I decided to stay away from Abby. Until now I guess’’ I tell Raven.

‘’I understand’’ she tells me.

 

She is about to say something else when we get interrupted by Abby who sits down across from us.

‘’Hello Abby’’ Raven says politely.

‘’Hi’’ Abby says greeting Raven but totally ignoring me.

‘’Do you know more about Clarke?’’ Raven asks Abby. Abby nods ‘’Yes. She’s okay. You can visit her in about ten minutes’’ she says with a smile.

I can’t believe my eyes. She talks to Raven but keeps on ignoring me ‘’Uhum’’ I clear my throat ‘’What about me?’’ I ask a bit angry.

Abby stares at me ‘’Nothing.’’

‘’Are you fucking kidding me?!’’ I yell at her. I can’t believe what she just said to me. I get up from my chair and take a few steps towards her ‘’You are a horrible person’’ I growl out at her before leaving Abby and Raven behind ‘’I need some fresh air’’ I tell them before leaving towards the exit.

 

**Clarkes point of view.**

I open my eyes to find myself in a room that isn’t familiar to me. I take in the surroundings to try and figure out where I am. It isn’t until then when I notice Raven and Abby sitting at the left of my bedside. ‘’Honey’’ Abby says with a smile.

I don’t answer my mother because she’s isn’t the person I was hoping for. I wanted to see Lexa but she isn’t here. It somehow hurts that she didn’t care enough to visit me. But I’m not going to focus on that.

‘’Clarke, how are you feeling?’’ Raven asks softly.

I look up at Raven before giving her a smile ‘’I don’t know’’ I admit. ‘’Where’s Lexa?’’ I ask her. I hope to hear that she’s around somewhere. That she just went for a walk, but deep down I knew she wasn’t around.

I noticed that Raven was about to answer my question when my mother interrupted ‘’She didn’t want to come’’ my mother tells me.

I try to take in the words that my mother is saying. I laugh at them because that’s not how Lexa is. ‘’You’re kidding right?’’ I ask her sarcastically.

Abby shakes her head me ‘’No, I’m not.’’

But I notice that my mother is hiding something from me. ‘’Mom, tell me the truth’’ I demand.

Abby sighs ‘’Fine. She was here earlier but we got into some argument and she left.’’

I feel disappointed in my mother but I do not have the strength to argue with her. I don’t answer her. Instead I just give her a small nod before turning around ‘’I need some sleep’’ I tell Raven and my mother.

‘’Of course’’ they tell me before leaving me behind in the room.

 

**Lexas point of view.**

Three days later.

I’m sitting on my couch when I hear my doorbell ring so I get up and make my way to the front door. I open it and to my surprise I see Clarke standing in front of me.

‘’Clarke? What are you doing here?’’ I ask her.

Clarke doesn’t answer me but takes a few steps towards me until our lips are almost touching. I feel her warm breath on my skin. ‘’Clarke?’’ I ask again. She doesn’t say a thing but instead she leans in and kisses me. I’m taken by surprise and stand frozen in my place.

Clarke notices my hesitation and she pulls away ‘’I’m sorry’’ she blurs out. I look up to meet her bright blue eyes. I notice the tears that are forming in the corner of her eyes so I reach my hand out to her cheek and wipe them away. Clarkes eases at my touch and I notice that she lets out a deep sigh before returning her attention back to me.

 

‘’Lexa..’’ she mumbles.

‘’Yes, Clarke?’’ I ask.

‘’I’m not supposed to be here’’ Clarke admits. I can see the guilty look in her eyes but I don’t understand her completely.

‘’What do you mean?’’ I ask her.

‘’It means that we can’t see each other anymore’’ Clarke blurs out.

I look surprised at Clarke. I didn’t know how to answer this. I just look at her, trying to figure out what she means.

 

‘’Clarke, what are you saying?’’ I ask her. I’m trying to reach Clarke but I notice that she is distancing herself from me.

Clarke turns around to make way out of my house. I see her reach the door before she turns around one more time ‘’This is goodbye. Don’t contact me again’’ she tells me before shutting the door behind her.

 

I’m so taken by surprise that I’m standing still. Trying to deal with the fact that the love of my life just walked out of the door.

 

**Clarkes point of view.**

 I shut the door behind me, leaving Lexa behind. I feel horrible about what I just did but I know that it’s for the best. I walk towards the car where Raven is waiting for me. She knows what I just did. I’m trying to pull myself together until I reach the car.

Raven looks at me for a second ‘’Are you okay?’’ she asks me.

I shake my head before I break down in tears. Raven reaches out and pulls me in for a hug. I rest my head on her shoulder. The tears are flowing over my cheeks.

Raven keeps holding me until I’ve calmed down a bit. ‘’I broke her’’ I admit, feeling broken about what I did.

Raven looks at me ‘’I know’’ she says before driving away from Lexas house.

 

We reach my house about 15 minutes later. Raven stops the car before turning her attention back to me ‘’Clarke, listen. She will be heartbroken but you saved her from a lot of pain in the future. You know what the doctor told you. You did what you could for her.

‘’Did I though?’’ I wonder to myself. But I keep that to myself because I know what the doctor told me. I only have a few months left.

 

**Lexas point of view.**

**One year later.**

I kneel down at the grave in front of me. Tears are forming in my eyes and I allow the pain to come to the surface. I look at the inscription carved into the headstone ‘’In peace, may you leave this shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey on the ground. May we meet again.’’

I put the bouquet of roses in front of the headstone. I’m about to leave the grave behind when I notice someone taping on my shoulder. I turn around to face the person behind me.  


	4. In my veins

**Lexas point of view.**

**_One year ago._ **

_I stare at the contacts in my phone, or to specify it, I’m staring at Clarkes name in my phone. One part of me wants to call her, the other part of me wants to respect Clarke her wish, although it didn’t make any sense to me. It was like a battle inside me, not knowing what to do. Honestly, life without Clarke didn’t make any sense to me. I got so used to her presence that I think I took it for granted. I never thought about Clarke and me breaking up, her leaving me, her being sick._

_I can use a distraction from all of this so I decide to call Lincoln, my old best friend. I haven’t spoken to him since Costia died but I knew it was worth the try._

_I dial his number, that I somehow remembered, even after all this time._

_I hear the phone ring until someone answers ‘’Hello?’’ I hear from the other end of the line._

_I got so distracted that I forget to tell who I am ‘’Hi’’ I say a bit too excited._

_‘’Lexa?’’ I hear Lincoln asking me through the phone._

_I’m quiet for a second before answering ‘’Hey, Lincoln’’ I say._

_‘’It’s been a long time’’ Lincoln says calmly. ‘’How have you been?’’ he adds._

_‘’Yes, it’s been forever. I’ve been better and what about you? Are you still dating that girl? What was her name again?’’ I ask him._

_‘’What’s up, Lex?’’ He asks me worried. ‘’And yes, we’re engaged nowadays, it’s Octavia’’ he says gently._

_‘’A lot’’ I say. ‘’I know it may sound weird Linc, but do you want to hang out sometime?’’ I ask Lincoln a bit embarrassed._

_It’s silent for a second before he answers ‘’Sure, that’s sounds fun’’ he says to me._

_‘’Awesome’’ I answer._

_‘’How about now?’’ he asks me._

_‘’Sure. I’m free now. Come pick up me at my place in the next hour.’’_

_‘’Alright, see you in a bit’’ he says before hanging up the phone._

_I stare at my phone for another second. Somehow I feel relieved that I called him. Lincoln had always been my best friend. I’ve known him since we were kids. We used to do everything together._

_Somehow the hour goes fast, or Lincoln arrives to early. Honestly I don’t know. I was to focused on Clarke anyway. Before I know it I hear a knock on the door. I make my way to the door and open it._

_Lincoln is standing in front of me with the biggest smile on his face ‘’Lex’’ he says with a smile._

_‘’Linc, it’s so good to see you’’ I say with a hint of a smile._

_Lincoln nods at me ‘’Yes, it is. So are you going to let me in?’’ he asks me, obviously teasing me like he used to do._

_‘’Of course, come right in’’ I tell him._

_Lincoln walks into my house and I notice him looking around. ‘’Someone is missing’’ he says worried._

_I face him for a second and nod at him. He looks worried at me ‘’Where’s Clarke?’’ he asks me._

_‘’Clarke broke up with me’’ I tell him before making my way to the kitchen._

_Lincoln looks shocked, like he didn’t see it coming. He follows me into the kitchen, stopping me in my tracks. He doesn’t say anything, instead he just pulls me in for a hug._

_I embrace the warmth of his hug and put my arms around him ‘’You’ve grown some muscles mister’’ I say teasingly._

_Lincoln chuckles before pulling away from the hug ‘’Still the tease you always were I see’’ he says jokingly._

_I nod at him before grabbing two beers out of my fridge. I throw one to Lincoln, who catches it just in time. ‘’Smooth’’ I say winking at him._

_‘’I know right’’ he jokes around, trying to ease the situation._

_‘’But enough joking around. What happened?’’ he asks._

_I look at Lincoln for a second. I notice the worry in his face ‘’It’s kind of a long story. How about we go to the living room?’’ I ask._

_‘’Sure’’ Lincoln says while following me to the couch._

_I sit down next to him before opening my beer. ‘’So do tell’’ he asks me._

_I take a big sip of my beer before looking at him ‘’As you already knew, Clarke and I dated for a long time. Everything went fine until Clarke broke up with me one morning, without giving me any reason. Raven called me a few hours later, explaining to me that Clarke was sick..’’ I blur out to Lincoln. I need to pull myself together not to cry because everything hurts so much._

_‘’Sick?’’ Lincoln asks shocked._

_‘’Yes’’ I nod at him. ‘’She has leukemia..’’_

_‘’That’s horrible. I’m so sorry’’ he tells me._

_I can’t pull myself together any longer so I break down in front of my old best friend. I feel embarrassed because this wasn’t what I had planned. But somehow Lincoln felt safe, like old times._

****

****

**_Five years ago._ **

**_''Lex. I came as soon as you called me! What happened?’’ Lincoln asks me._ **

**_I’m trembling like a leaf staring at the wall. My heart is aching, my thoughts are killing me. I don’t know what to do. Everything went to shit. This wasn’t how I saw my relationship ending with Costia._ **

**_‘’Lex?’’ Lincoln asks again._ **

**_I only notice Lincoln his presence the second time. I look to my left for a second when I see Lincoln standing next to me ‘’She..she’s..she’s gone..’’ I mumble between my tears._ **

**_Lincoln is processing my words before he walks over to me and hugs me ‘’What happened?’’ he asks._ **

**_I’m still shaking at the thought of losing Costia. ‘’We were in a fight..She..She told her parents..’’ I try to tell Lincoln but my words aren’t really flowing out of my mouth. I’m all choked up._ **

**_‘’She..told her parents about her being gay..They didn’t accept it.. they blamed me for her sexuality..’’ I try to finish my sentence but the tears don’t seem to stop. They keep flowing out of my eyes._ **

**_‘’She came over..she accused me of using her. I told her that she wasn’t being far to me..She left after that..I tried to stop her but she didn’t want to listen..’’_ **

**_‘’Lexa..’’ Lincoln tries to calm me down, but it isn’t helping._ **

**_‘’Don’t. I know what you’re going to say. But it is my fault..’’ I tell him._ **

**_‘’She got in her car.. she made her way downtown when she was hit by a truck..’’_ **

**_‘’Is she in the hospital?’’ Lincoln asks me. I notice that he tries to have hope._ **

**_‘’No’’ I admit. ‘’She..she died instantly…’’_ **

**_‘’Oh my god’’ Lincoln blurs out._ **

**_I notice his reaction and this shocks me somehow. I feel like he’s blaming me. I know Lincoln cares for Costia as well. They had been friends too. ‘’See it is my fault’’ I tell him._ **

**_Lincoln doesn’t answer me. I notice the hurt in his eyes. He’s clearly in pain because of this._ **

**_I guess I’m taking his reaction the wrong way but it’s too much right now. ‘’See’’ I repeat before running of into the distance, leaving Lincoln behind._ **

****

**Clarkes point of view.**

**_8 months ago._ **

_I’m looking around the room that doesn’t look the same anymore. With Lexa gone, everything changed somehow. The memories were still in the back of my head, but I realized that’s all they could be. I needed to let her go in order to spare her the suffering in the future. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself._

_''Clarke? Are you listening?’’ I suddenly hear Raven asking me, which brings me back to reality._

_‘’Yes. Sorry. I was just daydreaming I guess’’ I admit to her._

_‘’Was it Lexa again?’’ she asks me._

_‘’Yes, I miss her. Everything seems different now.’’_

_‘’Because it is, Clarke. You’re not okay. You’re dying. You know I don’t agree with what you did. You should’ve told her the truth about only having a few months left. She would never have left you’’ Raven tells me._

_I know Raven her words are true. Lexa would’ve stayed with me. But it felt to selfish for me, to spend my last months with her, to just leave her behind with all the pain she already went through when she lost Costia._

_‘’I know’’ I just answer, not wanting to get into it._

_‘’I do have to tell you something, Clarke’’ Raven admits._

_‘’Sure’’ I tell her. Trying to hide my curiosity._

_‘’I ran into Lexa a few days ago’’ Raven tells me._

_‘’Really?’’ I ask, trying to keep it cool. ‘’How was she doing?’’ I ask Raven._

_‘’She seemed okay. I don’t know though, she was a bit distant. Like she didn’t really want to talk to me, which I can understand. I never talked to her after you left her. I promised you that. I guess she knew that as well’’ Raven says._

_‘’I’m happy for her’’ I say, even though I don’t mean a word of it. I’ve missed Lexa too much the last few months but I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her behind._

_‘’I know when you’re lying, Clarke’’ Raven says a bit to judgmental to my liking but I don’t get mad at her because she had been there for me all the way until now._

_‘’She didn’t seem happy though. Lexa looked awful, like a ghost had been chasing her’’ Raven admits._

_‘’I have a surprise for you though..’’ Raven tries to finish her sentence but is interrupted by a knock on the door._

_‘’Am I interrupting?’’ A voice asks from the other side of the door._

_‘’No, come right in’’ I say softly, while staring at the door. I fall quiet when I realize who’s standing in the doorway. It’s Lexa, looking as beautiful as I remember. Her brown hair is braided all the way down to her neck. I notice her green eyes meeting my eyes._

_She just stands there, staring at me. I can’t believe that this happening._

_‘’Clarke’’ she says shyly, obviously awaiting my response. I notice the worry in her eyes._

_‘’Lexa..’’ is the only word I can say before I break down in tears._

_My wall breaks down this second and I let it all out. My whole body is shaking, my eyes are turning red, the tears are dripping down my cheeks, forming stains on my bedsheets. My heartbeat is racing faster and faster until Lexa is standing next to me. In this second I feel like time has come to a pause._

_Lexa doesn’t say a word, instead she pulls me in for a hug. Embracing me for what seems like forever. I put my head on her shoulder, letting my tears flow, letting my emotions come to the surface. I’m done with hiding, I’m throwing it all out before it’s too late._

_‘’I’m here’’ she whispers in my ear. ‘’Raven told me everything, Clarke’’ she whispers softly. ‘’It’s okay’’ she repeats, trying to calm me down._

_It seems like forever before I manage to control my emotions. ‘’I did not expect to see you again, like ever’’ I admit to Lexa._

_Lexa sits down beside me on the edge of the bed, still looking at me before answering ‘’You were wrong’’ she says with a smile._

_‘’I know’’ I admit to her._

_‘’Clarke, listen to what I have to say, okay? I know you think that you were helping me by pushing away, but that made everything worse. I felt terrible because I didn’t understand what was happening until Raven told me everything a few days ago. I know you think you’re trying to spare me because of what happened to Costia. But you’re not doing that. The reason why what happened to Costia is still hunting me, is because I never got to say goodbye to her. I don’t want to same thing happening with you, I want to spent every moment with you. I don’t care how long that is. So that’s why I’m asking you this, Clarke Griffin, will you do me the honor of being my wife?’’ Lexa asks me._

_I look at Lexa, trying to process what she’s saying to me. I didn’t expect this, but it was everything I ever wanted. Even though I know my time is running out so I just nod at her._

_‘’Is that a yes?’’ Lexa asks with the biggest smile._

_‘’Yes’’ I say._

**Lexas point of view.**

**Now at the graveyard.**

I turn around and study the face of the person standing behind me. ‘’What are you doing here?’’ the person asks me.

‘’Just saying goodbye to someone special’’ I admit. I didn’t want to get into why I am here.

The person nods at me before answering ‘’Same goes for me.’’

‘’Unfortunately we all lose those we love the most’’ the person adds.

‘’Yes. Unfortunately. But by honoring their memories, they will stay with us, no matter what’’ I say.

The person nods at me ‘’You’re right.’’

****


	5. My life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so thankful for all of your support :).  
> I just want you guys to know that I'll let this end okay, one way or another because clexa deserves that.  
> They had so much potential in the show, but they ruined that so I won't do the same.  
> Ty for reading my story and sticking with me so far :)  
> Cheers!

**Lexas point of view.**

_8 months ago._

_I look Clarke in the eyes with the biggest smile on my face. She just said yes to my proposal and I haven’t felt like that in a long time. I get the ring I bought from my pocket and hand it over to her. I notice the change in her eyes, somehow they seem brighter again then before. I too, feel happy. I know that Clarke’s still sick and that she doesn’t have much time left, but every moment I spent with her is like a dream come true._   
_My thoughts are interrupted by Clarke who grabs my hand. She entwines her hand with mine before placing a kiss on my hand._   
_I smile at her before leaning in for a quick kiss. Kissing her feels like home, everything is fine again. Everything that has happened is somehow not important anymore, Clarke’s all that matters right now._   
_I pull away from the kiss ‘’I love you’’ I tell her while looking at her._   
_She smiles at me ‘’I love you too Lexa’’ she says._   
_‘’GET A ROOM!’’ Raven says teasingly, interrupting us._   
_I turn around to face Raven ‘’We’re planning that’’ I say while winking at Raven._   
_This makes Clarke laugh way to loud that the nurse comes rushing in, worried, a few seconds later ‘’Everything okay?’’ she asks._   
_Clarke just nods between her laughter. The nurse looks annoyed at Clarke before leaving us behind in the room._   
_‘’So what now?’’ Clarke asks me._   
_‘’I guess we have a wedding to plan’’ I say with a smile before leaning in for another kiss._

**Clarkes point of view.**

  _7 months ago._

_I’m staring at the pages of my diary, not knowing what to write. I feel like my time is running out, I’m in more pain every day. My hope has faded, slowly, but I don’t want to show that because of Lexa. I don’t want to hurt her. I want to make the best of it while we still can. She has been the best for over the last month. The diary I’m writing is for Lexa for when I’m gone. I want her to have something to hold on to, because she deserves that. She deserves to know that I love her so much. My world makes sense because of her. So I guess that’s where I will start today._

_I pick up my pen and begin to write:_   
_‘’Dear diary,_

_Lexa just left to get some groceries and I’m sitting here staring at this book. This day is fully dedicated to you, Lexa. When you read this I’ll be gone, at least I think so. Lexa, I want you to know a few things. I want you to know how much I love you. You are my reason to go on. You are my reason not to give up. Every moment with you is everything I have ever dreamed of. You make my life worth living, but most of all, you make me want to be a better person. I never imagined to spent my life with someone as special as you. You’re the best person I’ve ever known, and I can’t have you lose that, not ever. That’s what makes you, you. You’re amazing._

_I remember the day that we met. It was in high school. You just transferred from out of State. I fell for you the moment I saw you. I guess I never had to guts to tell you this. I mean, you still don’t know. I knew I loved you when we spend all night on that beach. I was in a fight with one of my friends and you were there for me, like always. You still are. Every moment we spent in the past made me love you more. I’ve seen you in your darkest period, that was when you lost Costia. I know you think that her death was your fault, but it wasn’t. Costia was my friend as well, and I knew she wasn’t feeling well for quite some time back in the days. I don’t know if you knew this. So I’m sorry if you didn’t know. She loved you Lexa, so please don’t blame yourself any longer. It’s not what she would’ve wanted. Same goes for me._   
_If I’m gone by the time you’re reading this, please don’t blame yourself. You are the reason I even survived for so long. So thank you, Lexa Woods. You’re my reason to hold on. My support, my wife but most above all, my best friend, now and forever._

_Love,_   
_Clarke’’_

_I put down my pen before staring at the pages again. I’m_ done writing for now so I close the book and put it in a drawer. I’m about to go downstairs when I’m interrupted by Lexa who walks into the room.  
_‘’Hey, Clarke’’ she says with a smile ‘’are you ready to go?’’_  
 _I turn around to see Lexa in a dress ‘’Go where?’’ I ask confused._  
 _‘’The event..’’ Lexa looks confused at me. It takes me a moment to realize that the event of Lexa her work was tonight, I forgot. ‘’Shit! I’ll be downstairs in five minutes’’ I tell her._  
 _She giggles before nodding at me ‘’I’ll see you in a bit’’ she says before leaving me behind in our bedroom._

_I get up and walk to my closet. I grab the first dress I lay my eyes on and put it on. It takes about 5 minutes before I’m downstairs when I see Lexa pacing around the living room. I know Lexa to well so I know something is up. I walk towards to stop her in her tracks ‘’Lexa? What’s wrong?’’ I ask her._  
 _I notice Lexa looking at the ground before she has the courage to look at me ‘’Lexa?’’ I ask again._  
 _I know that Lexa’s not okay. I see her teary eyes but I don’t mention it ‘’It’s okay’’ I say softly._  
 _She takes a deep sigh before talking ‘’I just got a phone call..’’ she tells me._  
 _‘’Who called you?’’ I ask her._  
 _Lexa looks away for a second ‘’It was Costia her mother..’’ Lexa says before breaking down in tears. I know that Costias death has always been a painful thing for Lexa. I pull her in for a hug. ‘’It’s okay’’ I tell her._  
 _‘’She wants to see me’’ Lexa adds._  
 _‘’Really?’’ I ask surprised ‘’when?’’_  
 _‘’Tomorrow..’’ Lexa says to me._  
 _‘’Do you want me to come with you?’’ I ask Lexa, hoping to give her some comfort._  
 _Lexa just nods at me before resting her hea_ d on my shoulder.  
_‘’Alright, I’ll come with you’’ I tell her._

 

_The next day._

_I notice that Lexa has been on the edge of breaking down all night. She’s moody and keeps her distance but I understand. It was hard for her and I just want to be here for her when she wants to talk._   
_We are waiting at Gustus’ café for Costia her mother to arrive. Lexa is sitting across from me staring at her watch. I feel a bit uncomfortable but I don’t want Lexa to notice that._   
_I am about to say something when we get interrupted by Costia her mother who comes walking towards our table._   
_Lexa stands up from her place and greets Claudia with a warm hug before gesturing her to sit down. ‘’Hi, Claudia’’ I say to her with a smile._   
_‘’Hello, girls’’ she says before sitting down._   
_Lexa sits down as well. She seems even more nervous than earlier on. ‘’How are you?’’ I ask Claudia, trying to ease the situation for Lexa._   
_‘’I’m okay, thank you’’ she says to me before turning her attention to Lexa._   
_‘’Lexa, sorry if my phone call was unexpected. I just needed to talk to you’’ Claudia says._   
_I see Lexa nodding at Claudia before taking a big sip from her coffee._   
_‘’I never apologized to you, Lexa. I realized that I blamed you for my daughters sexuality, when in reality it is who she always was. I spoke to Gale, her old best friend from high school, who admitted to me that she dated my daughter. I guess what I’m trying to say it that I’m sorry for blaming you for that. I’m really sorry’’ Claudia tells Lexa._   
_I’m surprised by this because I didn’t think she would ever apologize to Lexa. I see that Lexa has a hard time dealing with this. Her hand is shaking and my reaction would be to hold her hand but I don’t know if Claudia knows about me and Lexa so I don’t want to bring it up._

_Lexa stares at Claudia for a second before answering ‘’Thank you for saying that. It means a lot. I loved your daughter a lot. I’ll always love her in a way. She’s a part of who I am. Who I will be’’ Lexa says._   
_This makes the tears appear on Claudia her cheeks ‘’Thank you dear’’ she says._   
_Lexa nods at her. Claudia looks at Lexa for a second before she notices the ring on Lexa her finger ‘’Who’s the lucky one?’’ she asks Lexa._   
_Lexa smiles at me before turning her attention back to Claudia. ‘’That would be me’’ I tell her interrupting the conversation._   
_‘’Congratulations, girls’’ Claudia says with a smile. ‘’Costia would’ve been so happy for you’’ she adds._

_That same night._

_Lexa and I are in our bedroom preparing to go to bed when I turn around to face her ‘’Lexa?’’ I ask._   
_Lexa looks at me before answering ‘’Yes, Clarke?’’_   
_‘’I have something for you’’ I tell her before standing up. I walk over to the desk and grab my diary from the drawer. I get bed to the bed and hand it over to Lexa._   
_Lexa looks surprised at me ‘’What’s this?’’ she asks me._   
_‘’My diary’’ I admit to her. ‘’I write in it every day. It’s for you.’’_   
_‘’Clarke..that’s..’’ Lexa tries to finish her sentence but I interrupt her ‘’Promise me you’ll read it when I’m gone’’ I ask her._   
_She nods at me before the tears appear in her eyes ‘’You’ll never be gone’’ she says between her tears. ‘’I need you’’ she adds._   
_I crawl over to her side of the bed before putting my arms around her ‘’I’m here’’ I say, now in tears as well._   
_‘’Clarke..’’_   
_‘’Yes?’’ I ask her._   
_‘’Tonight made me realize how happy I am that you’re still here’’ Lexa admits. ‘’Losing Costia broke me, you know that. But losing you is something I can’t handle yet. So please don’t leave me behind’’ Lexa begs me._

 

**Lexas point of view.**

Now at the graveyard.

I’m about to say something else when my phone rings ‘’excuse me for a second’’ I say before answering my phone.  
‘’Hello?’’ I say through the phone.  
There’s no response from the other side of the line so I repeat my words ‘’Hello? Who’s there?’’ I ask again.  
‘’Oh hi’’ I hear all of a sudden.  
‘’Hello’’ I say.  
‘’Sorry babe! I was just putting on my dress’’ I hear through the phone.  
‘’No worries. What time suits you for our date?’’ I ask while trying to hold in my laugh.  
‘’8.00 PM?’’  
‘’Sure. I’ll see you soon! Love you’’ I say before hanging up the phone. I turn my attention back to the person in front of me ‘’Sorry for that’’ I say.  
‘’So how have you been, Lexa?’’ she asks me.  
I study the person her face before answering ‘’Things turned out okay, I guess’’ I tell her with a smile.  
‘’Who’s grave did you visit?’’ she asks me.  
I look at her without knowing how to answer that exactly. ‘’Just someone I used to love’’ I tell her.  
She nods at me ‘’Alright. I have to go’’ she tells me.  
‘’Of course. It was nice talking to you, Gale’’ I say with a smile before going my own way.

 

**That same night.**

I look around my room to find the perfect dress for my date tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve gone out on a date. I decide to go with a red dress for now. When it’s around 7.30 I leave the house behind to pick up my date.

I arrive at exactly 8.00 PM to see my date already waiting for me at her work. I park my car nearby and make my way towards her. I see her bright smile and it makes me smile as well. She’s everything to me.  
‘’There you are’’ she says with a smile.  
‘’Hey you’’ I say before leaning in for a kiss. She kissed me back without any hesitation. We get into it for a second and everything seems to fade away around us. It’s just us against the whole world.  
She pulls away for a second to smile at me. ‘’We should get going. I made reservations for us at 8.15’’ she tells me with a smile.  
I smile at her before reaching out for her hand ‘’Alright. Let’s go’’ I tell her.  
She nods at me before following me into my car.

We drive to the restaurant. We arrive just in time for our reservation. A waiter guides us to our table before we sit down. I order a red wine that we both like before.  
‘’So how was your day?’’ I ask her.  
She smiles at me before answering ‘’It was a busy day as always. A lot of annoying customers’’ she tells me jokingly.  
‘’Can’t get enough of those’’ I say teasingly.  
‘’Yes, precisely’’ she adds.  
‘’How was your day?’’ she asks me.  
‘’It was okay. I visited the graveyard. You’ll never guess who I ran into’’ I tell her.  
‘’Do tell.’’  
‘’I ran into Gale, Costia her ex-girlfriend’’ I tell her. ‘’I don’t even know why she was there. She seemed a bit distracted’’ I admit.  
‘’How come?’’ she asks me.  
I shrug before thanking the waiter who interrupts our conversation by bringing us our wine.  
‘’Thank you’’ I tell him before returning my attention to her.  
‘’Not a problem’’ he says before leaving us behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hint: I'm not going to let Lexa end up with someone else ;)


	6. Truth be told

**Lexas point of view.**

**Now, after the dinner at the restaurant.**

I walk up to my room. I’m tired of the evening. It’s something that I’m not used to anymore. My time with Clarke made it different go out. Her disease destroyed her. She suffered so much.

I sit down on my bed and take of my shoes. I lay down on the bed when I notice the book lying on my nightstand. This is the same book Clarke gave me all these months ago. I never had the strength to open it and read what was inside it.

I guess until now. Somehow I need to read every word Clarke wrote.

 I open the book on one of the last pages on the book. I see Clarkes sloppy handwriting all over it. I begin to read, but with the first words, tears are forming in my eyes, streaming down my cheeks, dripping onto the pages of the book.

 

‘’Dear Lexa,

 This page is for you, like every other of course. We had a big fight last night and that sucked. I am going to write down what I would’ve told you, if I wasn’t too much of a coward to apologize to you in person.

 At first, I’m sorry that I was so unreasonable. I know it’s not fair of me to expect you to be there the whole day. I know you’ve got your work and everything. I’m just afraid I’ll die any second without being able to say goodbye to you. I don’t want that to happen because you’re my love. My life. My everything. So please if you are reading this. I am gone, but I hope I won’t be gone without having to be able to say goodbye to you.

 I’m seriously just blabbing about everything on this page I guess. It’s hard, writing down, what I feel. I feel empty, everything hurts, my legs, my arms, my head but most of all my heart. I’m afraid of what will happen next..I’m afraid to die I guess. I don’t want to leave you behind. I don’t want that. I just can’t accept that.

 Like I said I’m still writing down random thoughts. It probably doesn’t make any sense to you. Like what the fuck am I even writing? My thoughts are killing me though, I’m making every situation worse, by thinking I’ll just die any second now.

 I guess I’m just going to end this for tonight. I hope to be able to write something dumb tomorrow because that means I will be able to spend another day with you, my amazing wifey.

 

Love,

Clarke’’

 I take in the words I just read. They somehow make smile for a moment. Reading Clarkes word, mean the world to me. I’m interrupted by a knock on the bedroom door.

‘’Can I come in?’’ I hear through the door.

I recognize the voice ‘’Yes. Of course, come in’’ I tell her.

She walks into the room and walks over to her side of the bed. She lays down on the bed next to me. ‘’Hey, you okay?’’ she asks me.

I nod at her ‘’Yes..I’m fine.’’ I put the book away on my nightstand and focus on her.

 

**Clarkes point of view.**

**About 8 months ago. The night of the wedding.**

_I’m pacing around the room. Waiting for my maid of honor to arrive to help me get ready for the most important night if my life. Marrying the woman I love so much, is all I ever wanted. Lexa’s the one for me. She has stood by my side, through everything. I just love her so much._

_I’m still pacing around the room when I hear a knock on the door. ‘’Come in’’ I say._

_I see my mother standing in the doorway. I look surprised because I didn’t expect her to show up. I haven’t talked to her since the incident with Lexa. She had been a horrible person. But I guess it never hurts to try and talk it out._

_‘’Hey’’ she says to me._

_I study her face before answering ‘’Hi..what are you doing here?’’ I ask._

_She looks at me with a guilty face ‘’Clarke, honey. I don’t want to miss your wedding’’ she says._

_‘’Seriously?’’ I ask her more confused than ever._

_‘’Yes..can I stay? Please?’’ My mother asks me._

_I don’t know what to say her. I don’t want to bring Lexa and her in another confrontation ‘’Alright. But please don’t snap at Lexa..I love her mom’’ I say._

_‘’Alright. I promise’’ She tells me._

_‘’You should go for now’’ I tell her._

_My mother is about to leave the room when I see her turning around one more time ‘’You look beautiful’’ she tells me before closing the door behind her._

_I smile at my mother before turning around. I don’t know where Raven is but it’s getting on my nerves that she hasn’t arrived yet._

_It isn’t until 5 minutes later that Raven finally arrives. ‘’Damn, Griffin. Looking fine’’ she says with a smile._

_I laugh at Raven before answering ‘’Thank you.’’_

_‘’Anytime. So are you ready to marry the love of your love?’’ she asks me._

_I just nod at her. I’m more than ready. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time._

_‘’Let’s go. Wouldn’t want to be late on your own wedding.’’_

 

**Lexas point of view.**

**At the wedding.**

_I’m waiting at the altar for Clarke to arrive. The music starts to play and I’m nervously staring at the aisle waiting for Clarke to walk in. That’s exactly what happens a few moments. Clarke walks down the aisle with Raven next to her. Raven is going to give Clarke away. I smile at Clarke. Meeting her bright blue eyes, who are staring at me as well. She looks stunning in her long, white dress._

_The rest of the ceremony seems to pass way to fast. It isn’t until our vows I realize I’m actually marrying Clarke Griffin. It’s my turns with my vows. I didn’t write them down because I want it to come out of my heart. I want to mean every word of what I’m about to say._

_I look at Clarke and take her hand so I can hold it. ‘’Clarke. The moment we met, was the moment my life changed. I was a difficult person to read for a lot of people, I built up a wall inside of me for so long that I didn’t know what love was anymore. That changed when I met you. You made me want to be a better person. You made me want to be the person I am today. After Costia died I told myself over and over that love was weakness and that I didn’t want anything to do with it. I was wrong. You made me realize that love could be something special. That it could make your life better. And with that, Clarke Griffin. I vow you to treat you as my equal. As my best friend, as my lover. But most of all as my whole world. Because that’s what you are. You’re my reason to life. You’re the reason I realized that life is about more than just surviving. Times will get difficult with everything that’s been going on. But I want that, with you, because, Clarke, I love you so much. So yes I do. I want to marry you.’’_

_I look at Clarke, who’s turned completely silent after my vows so I think she likes them._

**** **Clarkes point of view.**

**Still at the wedding.**

_Lexa just told me here vows and they turned me silent. It means the world to me. It’s my turn now. So I grab a notebook where I wrote them in. It was my book I’ve been writing in._

_''_ _Lexa, my dear Lexa. Honestly I didn’t know where to begin with these vows. I still remember the moment we first met. It was in high school when we bumped into each other in the hallway. You were in a hurry and dropped your books on the ground. I gave you a crappy apology and left you behind. Only to meet you again about five minutes later. Your smile, your beautiful, bright, smile made me feel something I hadn’t felt before. I realized later that it was the first moment I started to have feelings for you. They developed over the time we started to spend time together. You were always there for me. I guess what I’m trying to say it that I’ve been in love with you, for a long time now. And nothing is going to change that. You’re my love, now and forever. I can’t imagine spending my life without you. You’re still here, standing across from me, after I’ve tried everything to push you way because I thought I was sparing you a lot of pain. What I realize now, that that was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I vow to spend the rest of my life with you, in good and bad times. In sickness and in health because I love you’’ I tell Lexa before looking her in the eyes._

_''_ _I hereby pronounce you wife and wife. You may kiss each other’’ the priest says with a smile._

_I lean and kiss Lexa. She kissed me back without any hesitation. Everything around us doesn’t seem to matter anymore. My disease doesn’t matter anymore because I will be spending my last moments with the person I love. The person who makes me a happier human being. I know Lexa will be fine as well._

**Lexas point of view.**

**Now.**

I’m just about to head to work when my phone rings. I look at the caller-id and see that it is Lincoln who’s calling me so I answer ‘’Hello?’’

‘’Hey Lex! How are you?’’ he asks me.

‘’I’m holding up. How are you, Linc?’’ I ask him. I honestly haven’t talked to him in a while because I’ve been busy lately.

‘’I’m fine. Guess what? I’m going to be a father!’’ Lincoln tells me, with a super excited voice.

‘’Oh my god’’ I say ‘’Congratulations, Linc’’ I tell him. I’m so happy for him. He and Octavia deserve to be happy. He’s been through enough as well.

‘’Thanks, Lex’’ He says ‘’Oh shit, I gotta go! I’ll talk to you soon. Bye’’ He says before hanging up the phone.

 

I put my phone away and make my way to the door. I get in my car and drive away to the flower shop. It’s the same routine for me every day. I buy a bouquet and leave it behind at the grave. It’s the only thing I can hold onto right now. It makes me feel like she’s still with us.

 

I park my car and walk into the shop. I buy a bouquet of red roses and leave as I always do. It’s about 15 minutes later when I arrive at the graveyard. I walk towards the grave number ‘’11’’ and put down the roses.

 

I’m about to leave when I see Gale walking towards me. ‘’Funny running into you again’’ she tells me.

I nod at her before looking at the ground ‘’Everything okay?’’ she asks me.

‘’Yes. I’m okay’’ I say with a smile.

‘’Still coming here as well?’’ she asks me. I notice her teary eyes. But I am not about to mention that.

‘’Yes. It’s the only thing I can hold onto..’’ I admit.

‘’Same goes for me..’’ Gale says trying to fake a smile.

‘’Can I ask you something?’’ I ask Gale.

‘’Sure. Ask away’’ she tells me with a small smile.

‘’What happened between you and Costia?’’ I ask her. ‘’I’m sorry if I’m crossing the line with that question..’’ I say while apologizing.

‘’It’s okay. You happened.. She met you and fell in love with you so we broke up. She chose you. You know that she loved you right? She wouldn’t want you to feel bad anymore. The accident wasn’t your fault. No one could’ve known that everything would end that way. Costia wouldn’t want you to hold on for so long. I know the guilt. I’ve felt it as well. She tried to contact me multiple times after our break up. But I was too stubborn to even answer one time. She was already in a dark place, Lexa.. You couldn’t have changed anything. No one could’’ Gale tells me. I can see the hurt in your eyes. I too, still feel the pain. It’s something that’s still hunting me. I guess it’s something that will always keep on hunting me.

‘’I know’’ I just answer, not knowing what to say.

‘’Is it true that you’re married nowadays?’’ Gale asks with a smirk, trying to change the subject.

I nod at her ‘’Yes.’’

‘’Well, I wish you the best Lexa. I’ll see you around’’ Gale tells me before leaving me behind.

I turn around to look at Costias grave on more time before I turn around and leave as well. Maybe it was what Gale told me, but I felt better. Like a burden fell off of me.

 

I grab my phone and dial the only number I can never forget even if I wanted too.

‘’Hello?’’ I hear from the other line.

‘’Hey babe. Just calling to tell you that I love you’’ I say.

‘’Aww, you’re such a cutie. I love you too, Lex’’ she tells me.

‘’I don’t want to lose you, Clarke. Never’’ I tell her before hanging up the phone to leave for my work.


	7. We're going to be okay

Clarkes point of view.

3 months ago.

It’s been almost 1 months since the doctors found a match for a bone marrow transplant just in time. I was relieved but confused at the same time. Something inside of me has changed as well. I had been living the last few months, thinking that every day would be my last. I somehow have become more distant, not being able to show what’s going on within me. It’s been a struggle for a while now. Lexa and I have been distant as well. She seems to be in some sort of pain all the time. Yet, I still don’t know why. She’s gone most parts of the day. I don’t know where to. She won’t tell me which makes me feel left out. I know she’s trying to take care of me but it’s just holding me back. 

My thoughts are interrupted by Raven who walks into the room ‘’Hey’’ she says to me with a smile.  
I turn around to look at Raven ‘’Hey’’ I say before smiling at her for a second.  
‘’How are you doing?’’ Raven asks me. I can see the worry in her eyes.  
‘’I’m okay. How about you?’’ I ask her, trying to change the subject.  
‘’I’m fine, Clarke. But are you sure? I’m just worried you know’’ Raven admits to me.  
I nod at her before changing the subject ‘’Did you see Lexa today at the office?’’ I ask her.  
Raven shakes her head ‘’No. I’m sorry. I don’t know where she is to be honest. She hasn’t been around much, has she?’’ Raven asks.  
I shake my head, conforming what Raven just asked me when the door opens. It’s Lexa who walks inside the room, clearly not feeling okay. I can tell that by the way she paces around the room.

I make my way towards her and stop her in her tracks ‘’Hey, are you okay?’’ I ask her.  
Lexa turns around to face me. I notice the hurt in her eyes, which I can’t exactly place. ‘’Lex?’’ I ask.  
‘’Yes. Sorry?’’ she asks me.  
‘’What’s been going on?’’ I ask.  
Lexa is trying to hold herself together when she finally bursts out in tears. Raven and I look surprised at her, not knowing what’s going on.  
‘’What’s wrong?’’ I ask her.  
‘’I’m so sorry..’’ Lexa just keeps on repeating.  
I pull her in for a hug, trying to calm her down when she says something again.  
‘’I killed her…’’ Lexa mumbles between her tears before resting her head on my shoulder.  
I look confused at Lexa before asking what she means ‘’What are you talking about?’’  
Lexa pulls away from the hug and looks me in the eyes ‘’It’s Costia..I found out that the car accident..wasn’t an accident. She killed herself’’ Lexa says between tears.  
I just look at Lexa before I caress her cheek ‘’That’s why you’ve been so distant’’ I blur out.  
Lexa just nods at me ‘’Yes. I killed her..’’ she says before breaking down in tears again.

Clarkes point of view.

Now.

I make my way to the café where I’m supposed to meet Lexa for a cup of coffee. Lexa’s already waiting for me inside when I arrive. I see her from across the room and smile at her. She notices me as well and waves at me before walking towards me. I notice the change in her behavior, she seems like herself again, after a long time.  
‘’Hey there’’ I say before leaning in to place a quick kiss on her lips.  
Lexa smiles at me ‘’Hey you.’’  
I sit down across from her ‘’How are you?’’ I ask her.  
Lexa shift uncomfortable on her seat before she turns her attention back to me. ‘’I’m fine. I walked into Gale today. She told me everything about Costia, and somehow it made me realize that I blamed myself for something I can’t change. I guess I was stuck in the past and for that I’m sorry. I’m so happy you’ve fought yourself through your disease. And I really, really love you Clarke. So I’ve got a weird idea, and I don’t know if you’ll like it. But I want to start a family..’’ Lexa mumbles.  
I raise an eyebrow at Lexa trying to understand what she’s saying ‘’What do you mean?’’ I ask her.  
I see her smile at me before she answers me ‘’Do you want to adopt a child together?’’ she asks me.  
And somehow all the problems seem to fade, I smile at her ‘’Yes. I wouldn’t want anything else.’’  
I see her walking towards me before leaning in to kiss me.  
And in that moment I know that everything is going to turn out fine.


End file.
